A new old start

​I guess I’m coming back here a bit more often. Hadn’t planned it, I’ll be real. But I don’t always need to shout every thought at a target, and this gives me a place to let them sit, so here we are.

Anyway, I walked into a restaurant today to pick up a delivery order, I returned after said order, and I walked out with a job an hour later. This was not a planned event. It’s not a big deal kinda employment either. But it’s the first step out in a long time.

I’ve been in a hole for years. It’s not a deep one, and it doesn’t look so dire from the outside. But I cannot escape it, despite having a pretty nice view of the world from its rim. I have felt like I’m playing pretend at being an adult, stuck in some sort of extended adolescence while I myself try to guide children through the world, all the while trying to convince others that I am just as “real” as they are. And it’s not a fair assessment, if I’m realistic… but it persists. It’s seeped into my soul, and it has me feeling alone in a world where I am truly never, ever, out here on my own. 

It’s a rot, and it’s time to cut it out.

I don’t need to prove anything to anyone except myself. However, I’m also the only thing I cannot be skeptical of. It’s a long road ahead. But I am on the path forward, always have been. The steps towards normalcy are not a fresh start, but rather a return to form. It has yet to be seen what that looks like, I’ve grown a lot in a little bit of time cosmically. But I cannot wait to find out.

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