Proof of Life and Thoughts of Growth

​It’s been quite awhile since I’ve been here. But it feels right. I’ve had a lot of things going on.

I’ve put a lot of work into my music, I’ve been DMing Tales of the Valiant games for my friends, and I’ve just overall sorta been coming into myself more as a creative. It’s been great, and I’ve been really enjoying myself. But that’s not why I’m here tonight.

With growth comes change, and for me, change is fucking terrifying. I’ve been more capable of processing my emotions, but the anxiety has also grown to keep pace. It’s a vulnerable place to be sometimes, growth. I’ve always tried to be a wallflower. It keeps me safe. But I have been accepting that I shouldn’t hang on the sidelines, and while it’s good and necessary, it’s left me quite exposed. Most of the confidence is still false, even though it is bolstered by the logical knowledge that the people who see my best self are telling me the absolute truth about the Greg they see.

I still struggle with my insecurities daily. I win far more than I lose. But I do still get overwhelmed at times. It happened to me in the company of my best friends recently. The weirdest thing about that, however, was that I still consider that meeting of everyone and time spent together one of the most cherished moments of my life to date. I was anxious, yes. But I was able to be present, to be with the company of the people that matter to me. I didn’t explode. I didn’t panic. I appreciated the opportunity I had, and because of that, I still tear up in good ways while writing this.

I have a long way to go still. I’m not going to stop, and I will learn to better let myself be at peace. Until I do, I will remember that it is worth breathing and believing, because the anxiety is temporary, but those moments we allow ourselves to experience last forever.

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