Where I’m at/Where I’ve been

Where I’m at feels oddly familiar.

I’ve been trying to compete again instead of coexist. I need my voice to be the loudest again, because I’m forever terrified it’s not worth hearing. Then, I feel like I’m being intrusive.

But it doesn’t feel like where I’ve been.

I see the proof that I’m not an afterthought or a background character. I am finding the excitement in the moments others share with me instead of feeling the need to “keep up.” I’m finding the joy in being the hype man again.

I do truly believe that this is the best version of me. The hype man. I don’t really contain the pieces to steal the show, and I get more joy in being a part of a whole than I do in being a lone survivor.

The struggle that I constantly balance is how to do so without losing myself. Life is a collaborative pursuit, but we can’t take every journey with help. We can’t rely on others to validate our joy.

Jealousy is gross. It takes the awe we feel from others’ accomplishments, and it twists that. It makes us believe that if anyone else can do something, it diminishes our own contribution. When we already lack the ability to feel like our contributions matter, it’s an easy distortion to suffer. 

But reminding ourselves that joy is an infinite resource is helpful. We all deserve that, and more is always better. I don’t need to be the center of attention, I have already been welcomed into the room. The more we all fill it with happiness, the better.

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