The Come-Ups and Letdowns

I’m a new person.

Well, it feels like it at the moment. This year has been me blowing up a lot of things in my mind and my being, and the spaces keep getting filled with revelations and realizations. It’s been awful and awe-inspiring, the worst year of many but so much better than the past. It hurts my brain to process it but I’m nothing if not a masochist so I’m living on the high of self-discovery right now.

It’s not going to last forever. I think that’s why I was encouraged to write about it. It was a good suggestion, recording for posterity, and I’ve learned to steal those good suggestions and outside observations. One of the things that has really kicked in for me is a desire to hear the outside view, it’s taught me to listen to myself more as I apply the principles of giving others my ear and taking their words to heart.

Yesterday, a friend bought tickets to a concert for himself, and also me and Chelsea. It was impulsive and I sorta advised against including me but he would not be dissuaded. It hit me like a ton of bricks, because I realized he wasn’t just being a little fuckin goblin. He made an investment in something on my behalf. In his mind, I deserved this just as much as he did and I am worth it. Now I’m paying for those tickets, I’m not gloating at some massive charity done to me. But in a way, I am. Not financially, but mentally. I needed reminded I am worth an investment. And not just so that I can take care of my wife or be a good friend or provide value to the world, but because I am a human being just like all of these people i so desperately and recklessly care for.

Im gonna take a little break, save this draft, and come back to this because I am actually in tears at the moment contemplating all of this.

Okay. Better.

I guess the point here is that I recognize that I shouldn’t need the external motivation. It’s encouraging that the only person that doesn’t believe in me is myself, however, it’s also a very large problem. But I’m human, and prone to forget things. My own worth is just unfortunately one of those things. So, this can serve as a reminder. It’s out there, it’s not even private, it’s on the public record.

For the times I forget.

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