The Dude Abides

It's been quiet lately in the chaos.

I've hit the cooling down period, after I had a revelation and was lit up like a fuckin' rocket. The revelations that got me all excited and hopeful haven't gone anywhere, and I'm not trying to shoo them out the door, either. But I've started working on my consistency, getting back to actual work, and learning to even out these ups and downs I face so frequently. And I have made some major progress.

But friend, I am TIRED.

I don't know what I expected... Well, okay, I know exactly what I expected. I was going to hit the ground running and do nothing but accelerate until I literally rewrote the laws of physics... But I knew that was just a little bit lofty of an expectation. What I did not know, however, was how tiring it is to just... Abide.

I like to be one of those people that looks to "The Big Lebowski" for some inspiration on riding out the chaos. The Dude is the epitome of rolling with the punches, and "The Dude Abides" is such a great vibe to try and emulate. But what is it really, to "abide?" I don't have a fuckin clue, man. Best I can figure is that it's learning to weather the storms, and to find the light in the moment, even if it's being shed by a tire fire where your hopes and dreams once stood. And as I try to lean into this concept, I can tell you two things.

1. It's absolutely worth it.
2. It is fucking EXHAUSTING.

It's not easy to always look on the bright side of life. Insecurities and doubt are my familiar places, and as shitty as they are they do not challenge me. If I am nothing, I cannot fail. I say I'm afraid of that failure, but I'm really afraid to try. It's hard, it's often not rewarding, at least not in the short term, and it can be painful.

But to abide is not to surrender, as I once imagined. It's to try, and to try is to fight, even if that fight is one to be at peace.

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